Seven Biblical Principles for Cultivating Closer Relationships: Part 2

In Part 1, we defined closeness or intimacy as “a deep abiding confidence that someone knows you and cares for you, desires and delights in your presence.” Human beings were created to connect! Even in the Garden of Delight, God said that it was not good for Adam to be alone.

But sometimes it can be very difficult to connect deeply and meaningfully with those in our lives. Life gets in the way or communication mishaps occur. Whether it’s your spouse, a close friend, or a family member, sometimes we need help cultivating closer relationships! In this blog post, I’m going to offer some tips from years of counseling individuals, families, and couples. It is my hope and prayer that you’re able to apply this to your life in meaningful ways.

In Part 1, we explored:

The Principle of We
The Principle of Shared Power and Creativity
The Principle of Freedom with Boundaries

Now, in Part 2, we will consider:

The Principle of Safety in Vulnerability
The Principle of Discerning Disconnection.

(In Part 3, we will explore The Principle of Accepting Responsibility and The Principle of Reconnection.) Together, these seven principles become the fertile soil in which we can cultivate, nurture, repair, and grow meaningful relationships that bring us the joy of intimate connection.

Principle #4: There Must Be Safety in Vulnerability

God’s declaration: "It is not good for man to be alone."- Genesis 2:18

"And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed."- Genesis 2:25

If we follow the idea that intimacy is characterized by efforts to know, care for, desire and delight in one another as humans, we can appreciate the profound spiritual and psychological truth of these verses. Have you ever shared something very personal with someone, but didn’t receive the supportive response you needed in return? Perhaps you were even hurt in the process? To expose ourselves to another human being without the fear of being harmed emotionally or physically is the bedrock of intimate connection. Intimacy is not the complete absence of harm but the confidence that both people will recognize, acknowledge, and work hard to heal the hurt.

Here are some key principles and tips for how to recognize and develop relationships where you can feel safe being vulnerable:

Acknowledge first to yourself and at some point to your friend that you are committed to learning how to create safe and vulnerable communication by getting to know and respect your similarities and differences. Since not all friends want (or are capable) of this depth of relationship, take time to discern whether this is a mutual goal.
Learn to give and receive feedback about felt-safety in productive ways when discomfort or pain alerts you to a potential threat to your vulnerability. As we learn to disclose our hurts while maintaining an acceptable level of comfort, we increase our ability to develop and then retain safety in vulnerability.

For example, if I share something shameful or embarrassing about myself to my friend or spouse and they disclose it without permission or make a “joke” about it later in public, vulnerable sharing in the future may be blocked. It no longer feels safe to expose one’s “emotional nakedness” and remain “unashamed.”

In the above example, felt-safety and vulnerability are now at a critical juncture in the friendship. If I choose to hide my hurt from my friend, there is a barrier until this lack of safety can be addressed by both parties and restored. There is potential for disconnection.

Just as a garden enthusiast injured by the thorns of a citrus tree while picking fruit can lose delight in gardening for a time, so can humans lose felt-safety and a willingness to be vulnerable in a relationship if wounds are left unacknowledged, minimized, or untended.

Principle #5: Intimacy Requires Discerning and Dealing with Disconnection

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”

– Genesis 3:7-8

Discerning Disconnection

Another key principle for developing closer relationships is learning how to recognize when there is disconnection in the relationship. Adam and Eve were not literally blind before they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but they were blind to evil, shame, and fear of harm in self-exposure.

These first humans discerned (saw clearly) that they were exposed as soon as they violated God’s commandment (boundary for the safety of humans in the Garden). This opened their eyes to shame and fear of harm on every level, so they sought distance, hid for self-protection, and blamed others for the disconnection. Their spiritual, emotional, social, and physical eyes were opened to shame, guilt, and the fear of rejection and abandonment.

Here are some tips to help you discern disconnection in your relationships:

Recognize that you have emotional boundaries that can be violated and emotional signals that warn you of potential disconnection in your relationships. Just as shame alerted Adam and Eve to disconnection from God, so can feelings of shame alert us to potential disconnection from one another.
Remember that feelings of disconnection can range from a vague sense of discomfort, a pricking of our conscience, to intense embarrassment, shame, hurt, or fear. Sometimes there is an obvious wound. At other times there is just a sense of lingering distance between two people that feels like an invisible wall.
Notice any tendency to hide from or find fault with close friends in order to distance after a conflict. It is easy to shut down or become critical rather than address the personal underlying hurts.
Resist the temptation to dismiss hurt feelings as silly, ridiculous, a sign of weakness, or immaturity. The capacity to feel pain in a relationship is by definition vulnerability and required for intimacy.
Refrain from harshly judging yourself or your friend for experiencing or expressing hurt. Your willingness to be curious rather than condemning will open you up to fruitful self-examination and more than likely lead to discernment rather than disconnection.
Look for a pattern in your relationship where intense emotion rises up inside of you three or more times around the same topic. For example, if you feel anger every time your spouse comments on what you are eating or the weight you have gained, you may have already disconnected in some way.
Understand how you might express feelings of shame in your relationship. For example, unconscious shame often underlies emotions like fear and anger that signal to the human body and brain that there is a threat of internal or relational disconnection (and related rejection or abandonment). Depending on your style of processing emotions, you may tend to internalize anger with distance and silence or freezing and mentally shutting down (flight-based), externalize your anger with confrontation and argument (fight-based), or in some other way.
Utilize this understanding about yourself to open up honest communication about what happened.

Dealing with Disconnection

If you sense disconnection in any of your close relationships, here are some tips on how to deal with it:

Resolve conflict as soon as possible after a wound is felt in the friendship. The willingness to risk acknowledging hurt is the brave beginning of conflict resolution.
Resist the temptation to disregard any negative feelings rising up inside of you with an internal dialogue that says, “There is nothing wrong." “The distance I feel is just me.” “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Emotional pain is to the soul what physical pain is to the body. As with a cut or scratch that irritates the skin, emotional pain holds potential for infection that can become life threatening and end in death. This is the time to begin asking the Holy Spirit for wisdom to understand your own emotions.
Decide ahead of time to accept the other person’s definition of their own hurt, even if it is not the way you would define it. Make the person’s willingness to share the hurt even more valuable than being “right” about whether or not you think that person should feel offended by your behavior or attitude. Let’s go back to the example where one person was joking publicly about something shared in private. If they have the courage to confront you, try saying something like, “Thank you for letting me know that felt hurtful. I understand now how I came across to you and am sorry for the pain it caused you. I will try to be sensitive to this and work hard to not share or joke about things we discuss in private without your permission in the future.”
Be willing to own your defensiveness about being confronted. In other words, if you respond with the right words but with an irritated voice, the person may ask you if you are angry. You can say something like, “I admit this is hard for me to hear and I am feeling irritated, but that is something I need to look at. I wish I wasn't feeling so defensive right now. Give me some time to deal with my own feelings about what you have shared.”
Prepare to take a break when emotions are getting more intense instead of running from the discomfort, attacking the person causing you pain, or refusing to come back to the topic later for fear of another conflict. Often, people do not take a break soon enough to prevent further injury of one another. There may be internal pressure to "resolve it now" and an attempt to force a solution when emotions are too high to do so effectively. Sometimes it is necessary to take a break and make a date to come back to a topic multiple times to resolve it and find a true win-win solution.
Engage professional support when repeated attempts are unsuccessful and explore the need to heal from unknown and invisible soul wounds that prevent us from experiencing genuine connection and intimacy.

We can invite, but not demand, someone to engage in conversation that will lead to discovering the source of the disconnection so that a reconnection process can begin.

In conclusion,

if both you and your close friends and loved ones are able to begin to discern and deal with the early stages of disconnection, the likelihood that you can also accept responsibility and reconnect at a deeper level in the future is higher than without an understanding of these principles and skills.

Relationships and conflicts are messy and unpredictable. The principles and examples I have been describing are not linear steps that one takes methodically to resolve conflict. Each friendship is unique and requires a teachable spirit and willingness to learn new things from one another. If it is becoming clear to you that cultivating intimacy is a long labor of love, you have begun to understand why it is both precious and rare. The process requires courage, commitment, and the capacity to tolerate self-examination, vulnerability and humility. Yet by the power of the Holy Spirit, it is possible to experience intimacy rather than aloneness. We can rely upon the supernatural power of Christ to die to our flesh and live to His Spirit. It is here that we can achieve closeness with both our Savior and those willing to join us on this arduous adventure into close and satisfying relationships.

Cindi J. Martin, LCSW is a licensed Christian psychotherapist who works with women healing from trauma, loss, depression, and anxiety as well as couples recovering from the wounds of sexual addiction. She is also the founder and director of Wellspring Counseling Ministries, which provides resource and referral services with the goal of integrating a strong biblical faith with excellence in clinical practice. Cindi is working on a book and blogs about emotional care, intimacy in relationships, the Bible, and theology at cindijmartinlcsw.com.