Surprised by God’s Highest Intention for Marriage

Keith and I were both twenty-three years old, working part time and going to college when we became engaged to be married. A young bride-to-be, I was anxious to prove my love for the Lord and my husband-to-be as we attended our first premarital counseling sessions. Like many of the Christian women around me, I grew up with a solid understanding of what it means to be a good wife...or so I thought.

"Let Them Rule"...Together

In our first counseling session, our pastor asked us to read and interpret 1 Peter 3:1-12, reflecting on the relationship between wives and husbands. That passage reads as follows:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word, by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be merely external–braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands likewise live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel since she is a woman and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult but giving a blessing instead for your were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. For Let him who means to love life and see good days refrain his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking guile and let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous and his ears attend to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." (NASB)

I thought myself quite correct in my theological understanding of submitting to my husband without fear, knowing that in submitting to my husband, I was also submitting to God’s authority in my life. That day, I realized that I had a much more limited view of the marital relationship than I orginally thought.

Our pastor allowed us to share our answers but then opened the Bible to Genesis 1:26-28 and read:

"Then God said, ”Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground’. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground" (NIV).

Our pastor emphasized the phrase, let them rule in verse 26. He showed us that it was God’s original intention to have Adam and Eve ruling together and sharing power in the administration of His creation in the garden. It was sin that introduced the power struggle between men and women for control and domination (Genesis 3). It was the curse of sin, not the commandment of God, that ushered in the misuse of authority and power that inevitably leads to corruption in the human hands that wield it.

Learning to See the Larger Framework

This had never occurred to me. Intellectually, I understood the principles of biblical hermeneutics, the importance of considering the whole context of Scripture, and the significance of the historical and cultural milieu of the text. Yet, there was a critical blind spot in my thinking exposed by this pastor during our premarital counseling. I was not reading 1 Peter from the larger biblical perspective begun in Genesis and brought to fruition in the book of Revelation. I was building a narrow framework for biblical submission and reducing being a wife to a place on an organizational chart. God was at the top of the organization. Next in line was my husband, who was responsible for me to God, and I was responsible for obeying my husband. But what a sad outlook that is! A body is not an organization but a living organism for which mutual submission is essential for health, well-being, and survival itself.

The larger framework of God’s original intention for the first couple to “exercise skilled mastery” as co-rulers in the Garden, and the restoration of being equal, co-heirs in the new creation in Christ, was not something I had ever considered. The idea that in Christ, both my husband and I were free from the Fall that set up the worldly hierarchy of power and control, and that we could once again fulfill God’s highest intention by ruling together as a married couple, in mutual submission to one another and to God in Christ as our “head,” was not something that I had ever imagined.

That day, our pastor challenged us to re-evaluate the way we would make decisions in our marriage based on this creative and complementary nature of shared power under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. I can't say it has always been easy, but I am so thankful for what I learned then, as it lay the groundwork for a beautiful and cooperative relationship with my husband.

Do you ever feel like you are caught up in a power struggle with your partner? Have you ever wrestled with understanding the biblical passages relating to women and marriage? Sister, you are not alone. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

Cindi J. Martin, LCSW is a licensed Christian psychotherapist who works with women healing from trauma, loss, depression, and anxiety as well as couples recovering from the wounds of sexual addiction. She is also the founder and director of Wellspring Counseling Ministries, which provides resource and referral services with the goal of integrating a strong biblical faith with excellence in clinical practice. Cindi is working on a book and blogs about emotional care, intimacy in relationships, the Bible, and theology at cindijmartinlcsw.com.